Indian vs. foreign authors

I am, if i might say so with full dignity and modesty, a veteran, when it comes to reading novels, purely nicking this assertion from the sheer number of books, i've read.And therefore, with time, i've grown fascinated with the differences in the writing styles of indian and foreign authors.

One chief thing that betrays the stable of an indian writer, is the fact that the language is deeply reminscent of the post-colonial literature. The metaphors and the composition of sentences, is hardly colloquial in the current scene and therefore, requires the reader t be a serious enough connossieur of novels to trul appreciate the depth and sheer intricacy of the language 'contraptions' employed.The plot takes a secondary perch and loses its eminence, in a slight measure to the beauty of the prose, the language, i mean.

The foreign writers, on the contarary attribute a lot of importance to the plot and pay a lot of reverence to the importance of hard, reasearched facts towards the development and the gradual unravelling of the story.

Indian writer, i venture, write author's stories.........

The Maximum City......chapter one- beyond the opaque veil...

Mumbai.....

Perhaps my favourite city on this third planet from the sun.

Measure out: one part Hollywood; six parts traffic; a bunch of rich power-moguls; stir in half a dozen colonial relics (use big ones); pour in six heaped cups of poverty; add a smattering of swish bars and restaurants (don’t skimp on quality here for best results); equal parts of mayhem and order; as many ancient bazaars as you have lying around; a handful of Hinduism; a dash of Islam; fold in your mixture with equal parts; throw it all in a blender on high (adding generous helpings of pollution to taste) and presto:Mumbai

The description, above, kind of sums up the upsurge of emotions that the very feel of this city induces in my soul......

When i was, but a proverbial 'bud', this place used to terrify me to no end. The bustle and the confusion seemed like a harbour to malice and darkness.The uncertainty, dwelling the realms beyond the facade of this superficial cacophony, used to stir my heart into turmoil, dissolving the crystals of fear into a vortex of dread.....a fright of the unknown.....

The stereotyped image of the city prevented me from making the most of the time i spent in the city during my childhood and most of my adolescence......The make-believe shenanigans of the city etched a permanent fear for the venom, the city would reserve for my innocence and my deficiency of age....

It wasn't as if i hated the city, in my formative years....The trips used to be as interesting as it gets, hanging around a few adults and doing nothing but watching TV and acting, as if following their bidding. And it was perhaps for these trips and the need for my parents to restrain a precociously exuberant me, that drove them to murder my ebullience, and compose a requiem, as an interring, for the same, that would echo in my ears, warning against the hijras that would kidnap me, mafias that would force me into begging, assassins that were jobless enough to issue shoot at sight orders in their fraternity for me.........and more such depressing stuff.

But the allure for the unknown has been the hallmark of the irrepressible urge of a human for conquest and so it did reflect in my life. Imagining to no end, the existence of an abominable creature-the city itself, forced me to mull over the secrets buried in the womb of this metropolis.

The need to know, gradually overcame fear and i opened up to this city....to love it with all of my heart....

The process, this barricading of inhibitions, might have been excruciatingly slow,but it did come about and i am sincerely thankful to the propellants, that drove me to this new-found enlightenment, one, that promises to forge an association of a lifetime with this throbbing mass of life that is Mumbai......my Mumbai......aamchi mumbai..

a' la Kurt Cobain.....Frame-1

U consider urself lucky to have been born in a generation when looking up and getting there, are the buzzwords, afflicting tongues in an epidemic like surge and proliferation......

And this very conception, is the biggest undoing, staring you right in the face.....

It IS the very reason why the current world is the worst we've ever had....

You are being lulled into a false sense of security and prosperity while this engineered complascency of your beings is being manipulated by a few, capable and sadist pockets...to burgeon their already bursting-to-seams coffers and derive pleasure from this act, that, in essence puts them in the cockpit of your life.........

You willingly,albeit, ignorantly squander the control of your life.....you foolishly submit to the regime of imperialist slavery....you toil and sacrifice your sweat on the altar of greed and hypocrisy....you think thoughts that are surgically insinuated in your minds to keep you from revolting by the attainment of a neutral, un-polarised perspective......you desist from relinquishing the jobs you hate...just so that the drive to largesse remains in the top gear......you educate the beings you spawn with the same filth that would hard wire a bias towards these invisible men, who use the veil like certainty of the incommunicado upper echelons of decision making to mask their intentions...........And most baffling of all, you are so absorbed in this elaborate sabotage of your inherent rights, that your radar develops a perpetual bind spot for the rational and the logical........resulting in you, praising the true detractors of your life....you derive pleasure and fulfillment from a life, that actually is a filthy dispensable cog, that is driving and satiating, the disproportionately powerful.........

Ode to the bridges of madison county.....

rummage through the cache,

of the surreal 'somethings',

that are Like willing stowaways,

on the undulations of time.......

obsolete are the myriad discrete moments,

that clamor for eminence,

against the background of the sublime

glow of the sliver of time,

that like a divine incantation,

stands plastered in the walls of my mind.......

The horizon,bereft of a forgotten bridge,

stabbed at my quest, as the sultry clime, did me......

But a hike up your driveway,

and i could smell the musk of my very redemption,

in the aroma of your stew......

Treading the meadow to the heady rhythm,

chaperoning you,

from those make-believe camouflaged enemies,

treasuring the warmth of your presence,

putting up a spectacle,

That the hills of southern Iowa,

will whisper till eternity comes calling......

The creaky table, squeaks lores,

of the first union of our bodies........

The communion of our beings,though,

enjoys the solitude of our minds,

with no testimonies to inanely propagate it,

save our selves......

indulging in the company of the being we spawned,

that ephemeral figure, personifying,

the dissolution of us into one.....

I relish the emotional orgasm,

that enraptures me as i unravel your presence,

in the being, called, 'us'........

The undoing, though, peeks,

from the wrinkles of your face.....

Smothered by the weight of responsibilities,

the world we conjured together,

never takes to the air,

like a 'peregrine' with wings clipped.......

Resigning to the imminence of pain and separation,

the being volunteers commitment to celibacy........

sensitivity intact,

the erstwhile unshakable belief,

the mystic and the magical,

relinquishes the front seat

and the trappings of rational living,

curtail a romance,

which,though, nascent,

is replete with more love than a lifetime of courtship.......

The urge to drop the veneer,

to shelve the pretense,

and build a bridge back to you,

assumes almost palpable dimensions......

4 great days,

might just appear as incongruous dunes,

on the desert called life.....

But the love i feel for you,

a protege' of this blink in time,

suffuses my being with an ethereal warmth........

You might not be there,

to physically consummate this relationship,

but i feel your breath in every whiff,

of the easterly wind.......

your laughter resonating,

in the gurgle of every brook.....

and your love,

in every deed, i do....

In a universe of ambiguity,

this kind of certainty comes only once,

and never again,

no matter how many lifetimes you live........

And i promise my love,

that the unmoving constancy and vitality,

of our love will reflect off my eyes,

till death cloaks them......

then,

the bridges of your beloved madison county,

will mutely recount this tale of ours,

redolent of countless other unfulfilled stories,

but with a character,

only we could have infused....

I'll love you........forever......and ever.......

unfaithful premonitions......

My solid mechanics class was another scrawl on the timetable.....but when the pertinence, renounces the boundaries that a slacker like me stoically enforces, those between the book and life, you start marveling at the precise and subtle meaning, that fate reserves for everything that you are expected to dabble with, no matter how trivial you consider it......

On the lines of hooke's law......the distance, as it magnified, seemed to increasingly make me want to get back to the good old days......

When the limit of tolerance was breached, the pull dwindled into an inconsequential and feeble force, a vestige of the desires that once used to assail my being with an abominable strength.

As the forces, propelling me away, crossed the above mentioned threshold, the corresponding change in the palpable distance, exploded past all precedents, as is to be expected......

The foresight of the point of fracture sends tremors down the spine and i can only brace up to face the recoil that would perhaps strum the vibrations of finality on the collapsible string, that is my destiny......hard wiring my psyche forever.......embedding sense into what has been a mind, 'stuck in a moment', and refusing to relinquish it.......

hell.......i feel so cold..........wonder if fumigating my worries like those irritating mosquitoes in the fumes of nicotine, would help.......

I never believed, this thought would ever intrude the premises of my mind.........

But similarly, i never did envisage the going on's that are pushing me over the brink......

Even the gravest of my premonitions, never informed me........

It's Time......

IN a departure from the ebb of my previous post, this one is again a denizen of those insightful multitudes.......that make an inadvertent appearance, every other week.....on this blog of mine.......

'Its fucking annoying when rational people leverage so much on one small piece of shit'......this status message of my gmail account conveys the two events, tht defined the particular day, this message appeared.......in a rather succinct though very precise manner...........

One being the figurative 'tug of war' between the editorial teams of my insti newsletter........

Whether the domains of the respective editors should figure together, formed the topic of contention........and literally incinerated an hour of my time.....not that i missed a critical appointment or nething......but still.......i have many better avenues to explore my disproportionately prodigious 'free' time..........

Neway........tried to get myself heard.......but(or so) the bone remained adamantly stuck.......status quo prevailed and the deadlock now moves onto the precinct of the next meeting.....and another hour or two of my time lost......

The other provocation was slightly more offensive in nature......and its conception, doesnt cease to bamboozle me....even now......

It represents a classic case.....wherein, the truth induced a violent ejection of the then newly conjured bonhomie........

I still fail to 'see' the reason.....or maybe i never 'saw' it........oh........hell with this 'see-saw'....

When 'can't' morphs into 'won't'..........does a person know that barriers of understanding have been savagely breached and the no return point is waving from the yonder horizon.....the bend of my minds curve is pretty expansive........and that there still remains the case of fourth dimension to promote cordial relations......

Certainty about one thing does though persist........that the lost white cloth cannot be replenished netime soon on my side.....and the olive leaves can wait till i manage to land an italian beauty for myself........

so.......a passive spectator, that i see myself as, can only be activated if the stocks of the above mentioned commodities are made available to me......graciously........

If i am being overtly optimistic,..........so be it......

I am what i am......

A Day in the life......Part-i

Like a grotesque mole on the finger shaped island of bombay, is kamathipura. It retains all the dormant-yet-wannabe-malignant traits of a mole in context of the city.just south of nana chowk, off the bustling Grant Road,its a dingy and morbidly intricate network of alleys and by lanes that dwindle into even smaller variants of the same once the seemingly impenetrable facade gives way to an even more formidable(for a navigator or otherwise) interior where the stench emanated by open sewers casts a veil of olfactory depression and the crumbling houses, dotting the lanes obiliterate the sunlight giving the whole area, an air of pugnacious decadence. All this intermingles and you have a corossive mix which conveys the impression of an interminable bleaknesss.

Hell, i'll be damned if i were to assume on the basis of the above labelling, that it lacks in life. On the contrary, its a playground of multitudes......inspired by the figment of leadin nnormal lives, they make extra efforts on their part to counter the extenuating effects, their surroundings exert on their lives.For instance, A Pan wallah playing the music extra loud so that an urchin sitting on the other end of the street can gyrate to the music,A stunning plethora of street musicians that earn their wages by driving away the general sense of grief that one might associate with this place,mongrels frolicking in the open sewers,Dogs assaulting you in an explosion of licks and..............................

This very blot on the face of the maximum city, is also its biggest brothel, rather, the largest in all of asia. It is, in principle, illegal, the whole prostitution business, but currency notes warming suitable pockets, keep the oldest profession in the world thriving.A disgruntled polic inspector, or a newly trnsferred one or an overtly honest one..........conspire to surgically curtail the expansion of this mole by confirming to the lawbooks, with some degree of regularity.

Did I mention currency notes, warming suitable pockets......oh well...what is life without a warm bed.

A different harlot is sent to these string-pullers, every week, to 'warm' their beds. And this happens with an almost military regularity, as incurring the wrath of the clients, mentioned, would involve several wasting, starving families.It was indeed a cruel irony that the very people, designated by fate, to fulfill the carnal needs of a perpetually sex starved city,lived in such abject poverty..........

Indulging and satiating the most primal of instincts, it should'nt be a surprise, though, that these 'selfless'(i think) whores led an equally primal life,with only the most rudimentary of necessities.

Padma, was a whore, one of the many in this hellhole.

In her home, nestling in the very bowels of this place, she had very few entities, to call her own. A rotting bed with an ailing husband ornating it,a kerosene stove bereft of its daily dose of fuel, a few empty utensils and rags for clothes.This is what she owned.Forced Prostitution had taken away the only gift she could give her husband....her virginity.....the dismal dwellings had, bit by bit nibbled away her hopes from life........and now......HIV had taken away her infant son.

Only the night before, her sole joy of an year and a half had succumbed to an aggressive bout of pneumonia,which compounded by the HIV ravaged immunity of the kid, snuffed the life out of a frail body.

And she knew that the sole responsibility of his death lay with her.

About 8 moths ago, it was her turn, amongst umpteen others when she was required to pay a 'courtsey' visit to the nearby police station.A weekly draw of lots was normally employed to determine the woman that would come calling to the groins of the owners of 'warm pockets'. A night spent, 'getting spent' and no pay to imburse these labours, a wasting body with zilch in tummy, ditto for a stove with a starving womb............a collateral of such dimensions simply couldn't be obviated.

To be continued..........

after ages of horribly morbid neglect, i key in this post as a knell announcing my intent to resurrect my blog's relevance in the context of my life and my innate desires.....

A lot's been going on.....

Stuff picking up new dimensions in my view.......like some continuum of warped up dimensions(apparently) as suggested by string theory......like a rock..that has only just learnt to gather moss....

kick starting my 'career' as a quiz-master was this small nondescript quiz with no prize money up for grabs to draw crowds.......nonetheless, the debut went as smoothly as some well oiled dildo......a painless affair but a picture of oscillating fortunes for the participants.....the questions were applauded by those present and that pretty much served my purpose.....coz i don give a damn aboout the participants or their screwed up expectations from the event.....all i give damn about is the persistence and propagations of my image which confirms and super incides with that in my mind..........and when it doesn't you can expect a surge in the posts making an overtly liberal use of the ever-versatile word.......FUCK......

neway.......a quiz awaits me...........and this time, it promises an 'imbursement' for my labours....8000 bucks......cool an amount , but only if u manage to warm it in ur palm or pocket........a figurative amount that exists only in the flyers so generously distributed, is no good a deal........

so well......i hope that the hold, i am trying to substantiate, on the cyber waves, is strog enough in resolve so as to resist the conspiracy of time to make me relinquish my grasp......

the wait never will be this long.......

a solemn vow....

nonsense inc.

Prof. : Grab the bull by its horns.
Me: ask a cow what it takes to face a 'horny' bull.....

Is my reach, intrinsically confined by factors, i have no control over......the factors that control everyone else's limitations.......??

Life is one very small joke to sustain my laugh....

question is.....is my laugh genuine enough to sustain the soul of this joke??

The workings of the supreme heavenly hypocrite are just and impartial....is what they say...
Then just why is Garry kasparov gifted with more grey stuff than me......and i am talking about entities other than just hair.

One afternoon, a particularly irritating mate inquires about the time....
me: 5.30 PM
Him: poor joke
Me: not for the londoners

Daily dose of trivia.....question goes: (useless trivia) What happened when a witch and a monkey met??
ginger_garlic:they mated and somak(a pain in the neck) was born....

Me trying to piece together info about a final yearite that caught my attention with her rather unconventional habits.....
Ajay: she is a very weird gal..
me: how??
Ajay: She loves rock music, plays a fender strat and happens to be the only girl in my knowledge that smokes....
me: uh huh....
Ajay: she got tokin with ritwik once(another final yearite) and in midst of a perfectly normal and boring conversation,erupted, 'i want to set up an army of zombies'
me: uh uh...

Mutthu: what if she says 'i want to set up an army of zombies' when u r 'laying' her??
me: i'll peel off the 'peel' and say, 'now we're well on our way towards doing that'.

Ankit:i have a great record in fifa......a great team, loadsa credits,loadsa titles,loadsa money.......
me(reflecting): Mere paas maa hai.......maa.....

mum: nursery waale bhi tujhse zyaada padhte hain....
me: maa maa black sheep, have u ne wool.....

me: iits surely have better universal testing devices than our college...
prof: why do you think, all the good things happen to only iits.....some good things happen to our college too, like you did....

oh well.......

I love the fact tht i am studyin mechanical engineering......

There are no snobbish girls to sabotage the outrageously spontaneous bunks.....Its cool.....marking the proxies of mates, getting the same in return and hence maintaining picture perfect attendance sheets......

Its fun, the adrenaline rush, tht makes itself felt, everytime u risk ur neck to make sure that the bunking buddy of urs has his attendance marked.......makes me realise what keeps kleptos in business.....

The official rakhi holiday......i mean rakshabandhan and not some vampish cheapo baring her claws and landing a someone in her clutches....all on national television.....yeah....is only for the wednesday...but the overworked testesterone in our veins translated that to a weeks bunk........and blive it, i found myself packin my luggage and catchin a train to ahmedabad, all in a notice of an hour and a half.....

i was merrily asleep when this bloke called up sayin pack ur bags....it wa then tht i realised, in my stupor, that it was already 12....and the train that we hoped to xcatch would leave surat at 1.30.......a mad rush....mine and my adrenaline followed....and here i am, warming my favorite chair with my lazy bum....

neway......i have sumthing planed up for the end of this month......sumthin to do with the pre-caesarean period of u knw wht....i no longer have the requisite mostivation to go ahead with the drag.....but i have promises to keep........those i made to myself.....corz i'll mince no words in makin it klnown tht my intentions seek no imminence....and that this act should be considered with an open mind and that my word should be taken at its face value......coz if theres one thing i cannot do, it is puttin up a facade to hide my true designs....to camouflage my desires under the smokescreen of pretensions.......

so.....well........

life goes on......

my donought may just be waitin for me, around the next bend in the road.....

for everythin else......damn is the word...

for some reason, life in india, or more specifically, at an indian college seems like a monotone from a devil's piano.....The mind numbing and archaic teaching notions and stupid oafs with ant-hill like ambitions are extenuating enough, but take into account the gross dearth of any sub-acad activities(save movie-ing and lan-ing)and the scene assumes decidedly dreadful dimensions.......

The GRE preps due to an overdrive of emotions willed on by the sensibilities hurt above, were, in the hiindsight, too precocious and fed by a presumptuous me.......

Whats more, a nascent and potentially catastrophic thought is taking shape up there- taking SAt.....

Turns out, if the course of this insti is approved by the authorities in the US, i might be able to commence my studies from the very point that i left them at this college, obviously subject to my gettin a good score in SAT and gettin admission thereby at some good insti there..........

hell..........its a tantalising figment.....

well....what could follow......an amazin campus life, blonde bombshells and busty brunettes,maybe a mutual feling of love for some sweet, simple, lovely and intelligent gal, extra activities tht would allow me to explore and enjoy the things that i hope to accomplish in this lifetime and of coure.......a contemporary course structure and teachers who know wht they are teaching rather than mumble gibberish and get paid and laid.....

The possibilities are endless but its a pity that the said vistas straddle domains that might strech my emotional as well as moral fibre to its tensile limit.......

till then.......well.......wait.....

Life is waiting....Make it large....

WHOOPPEEEEE!!!!!!

yeah right.......

three cheers for me folks.......

i have managed to impossible.....a cocktail of resolute cold detachment and the occupation of my mind with certain hobbies has made me forget my past.......
I finally have gathered enough nerve to dump the baggage that i was carrying with me.....feels so much more light........

the last few weeks saw me engrossed in chess....a game that i suddenly have begun feeling passionate about......whther its splurgin money on chess books or playing the game online.....checkin out past games of grandmasters or reading about their lives.....every aspect of the game has me enamoured......and completely........

This inadvertent spurt of interest helped me get over a certain someone....as i found myself nominating less and less of my mindspace to things that had been keepin me from moving on......
A novel reading overdrive to was no less useful......as i started imagining the paperback romances, taking shape in my life........and envisaging the picture perfect future with someone better........

and surprisingly, the idea tht someone beter could even exist in flesh and bones was easier to envisage then i had thought possible......
in fact, it would seem surreal, that a few weeks back i was an emotional wreck over seeing gloomy ongoings and identifying with a bleak tomorrow....but now.....i feel good for some stupid reason.....that the past did not work out as i hoped it would.....that the cogs did not show the perfect cohesion, expected of them......i feel enlivened....coz the only meaning i grasp is that better things await me.......and what matters more is that i feel deseving of that better 'thing'....

had things worked out fine, or so i feel now, it wudn have been immaculate as i used to imagine........its good that they did not.....damn good......hell.....life's long......and i am sure to aspire for and acquire greener pastures.......

My minds whirring overtime, mulling with the prospects ahead......theres such a lot that i want to do.......and theres a lot that my schedule wont allow me to......

I want to become a physicist.....wud love to......especially since i am gravely interested in quantum mechanics and relativistic physics.....
I want to become a chess grandmaster....or an international master at the very least......the reasons r all but obvious.....
I want to become an ace guitarist......strumming magic and playing my favourite tunes......
i want to become a writer.....and i wont elaborate.....
i want to be a globe trotter......and backpack accross the globe.....
i want to learnt french, spanish and italian.....
and finally i want to get into stanford, caltech, berkeley or some such topnotch insti to pursue my higher studies.......

the dreams are steep....but i expect my self to come good on least a few of the above mentioned points.........

I am coming, life.........


hell......u know tht.....doncha.....

A pall of gloom, leads to ghalib's room.....

Gam ke andheron mein bhiga, ghabraya,
thi sahmi, meri parchhai bhi.....
tujhse doori jo sah na paya,
gumnami mein paayi, maine, manzil meri.....

neend bhi hui, khafa mujhse,
shab bhi is raat ko ghula na saki...
waakif na tha, main pyaar ki dagar se,
koi dava, is dard-e-dil ko bhula na saki...

dastak to di,
har ummeed ke sirhane......
lekin,
nirasha ka daaman chhut na saka...
dooba raha, is gam ke veerane,
par, takhdir ka khel, roke na ruka...

labon par tere naam ki aahat,
tha seene mein, tujhse judai ka dard...
fiki padi, har doosri chaahat,
is aalam mein, jo tha nam aur sard..

kismat ne rachi ye aisi saazish,
tere zarre se bhi roobaroo na hua...
dil ne sanjoi, ek aakhri khwahish,
lekin, uska anjam bhi bura hi hua......

zindagi ban gayi ek tanha mehfil,
devdas, hi ban, isme shaamil ho gaya....
kya bayaan karun, haal-e-dil,
jab tera saaya bhi mujhse, bewafaa ho gaya...

What The Fuck.......

Am so fuckin sick of myself......

choose a carreer, i chose a fuckin wormhole with filth for faculty and equally arseholish fools under their tutelage,and live under a constant and extenuating knowledge that i will be called one of them......nibbles away my hopes, bit by bit....

choose happiness, i chose sorrow in hope of the former.......the fuckin worm in my head told me that a glimmer of hope to regain back the lost pride still persisted...as things culminate to their logical end, i am left worse than a pauper......and to think that i saw it coming and still like some fuckin loser never managed to appreciate the bitterness of the pain, it wud leave, and instead of trying to obviate it, perhaps ended up accelerating the moment of despair.

choose love, i chose hatred........or at least it seems now.....i did choose love at the begining of the end but my failure to capitalise on whatever oppurtunities that were strewn in my path, leaves me bitter.....full of unquenchend hatred....hell....had i chosen it from the start, i would've have been 'comfortably numb'.....pink floyd sounds are so very prophetic, even in the hindsight....

choose company......i'll settle for solitude....at times when i wonder, why life is so cruelly blatant, at times when i feel a constriction of my being from within, i choose to hang around with no company, save me......the comfort of desolation especially at these testing junctures is truly fulfilling.......hell....i wish everyone wud leave me fuckin alone......

choose your friends....i chose otherwise....why pain them with your grief....why bore them with ur futile lamentations when they havemnt at all chosen wht u have.......at times, i wonder if they even understand me....but what if they dont....who the fuck designates me to expect that from them.....when i myself havent graduated from my nappies, mature enouhgh to gather the pieces, that is my heart......

choose hope....i chose to be bereft of it.....after all the hopes that i had tended in my mind, summed up to nothin fuckin substantial.....as they are reduced to wispy ghosts of the past, the remnant vestiges pain me bad.....had i chosen the latter at the start, the sorrow wudn have assumed such parasitic dimensions leaving me grasping the inane.......and well....a, years a long time......a decade, 10 times over........time to see the writing on the wall and loosen my grip on what i call.......The Hope....

choose a future...damn...i'd pay whatever it takes to bring myself to do that......except for the fact the forseeable expanse ahead of me is as bleak as it gets........time to be detached and cold...time to be true to myself and ignite the foolish vengeance within......even at the cost of others....time to make my life mine.....if it entails breakina few hearts, crushing a feew egos and trampling a few lives......i may be sadist to do that, without any reason........but i don give a fuckin damn...

choose a life.....well......allow me to do that....without an anarchist, somewhere up there pulling the strings amd takin shots at what rightfuly is mine.....wht the fuckin damn is life for when u cannot do what u want to.....they say study and it'll make ur life....but what the fuck if thats not the life i choose.....they say it'll make my parents happy....but wil it make me happy......

i don wanna die at some old loserly fool, having wasted my life, not having done what i wanted.........i want to have a quiet smile on my face for having acomplished what i wanted to and not what was expected of me...........

this world is so fuckin unfair........

and the fuckin point is........that i dont even give a fuck.....

fuckin sad...huh....

A Stripper's insight

Unstrap my belt, to ease a tummy puffed by endless soda bottles, consumed with that import from the iron curtain....vodka....makes me remember of the days when my chest used to puff with pride,once......under the belt, no credentials to boot for......

Peel the shirt off and the sweat smells worse than the despair i live through.

I can see the heart throb under the skin....reminds me,however thick-skinned i get, theres a heart that'll be visible, always.......

A heart that i answer to and a heart that answers....

That it nestles on the left side of my chest is a reminder of the fact that heart is not always on the right side....

but atleast i am concious of this fact, unlike the herds for whom paying loans of time, getting the foals' homeworks done on time and running the rat race in the sewers where i empty my bowels, is the most critical meaining of life......

Drop down the pants and the eyes,like programmed robots,those arseholes make, automatically move to the shape my limpid genitals make with the french plagiarism.

Evolution put man on the podium of this earth's hierarchy but the animal instincts managed to remain pristine from the postulates of a bearded, church oppressed weirdo.....

Apprenticeship, in the ways of the world for ages, but a simple exercise of stripping off my clothes seems more enlightening.....

now i know, why those women go back to their jobs, every night, in the casinos and brothels of vegas........

now i.......do know....

Crushing spree.......

This might seem slightly out of place given the fact that the past few days have been hard on me.

Whats been hard-
1) The college results were a sadist's delight with me making a 6 point someone, all because the lousy faculty at the wormhole thought better of overloooking the number of bunks i had enacted and gave me a straight DD in about every damn practical......

note: I don give a damn.....

2) The JEE results are out too and i have fared exceedingly bad. Though as a face-saver, i did manage a rank, a fuckin 7000+ shit, it practically leaves me stranded on a pretty precarious footing. Even given my hollow preparations, i had expected better to come off it.....

note: I'll be damned...

What is out of place-

Well, I havent ever been the most solicitous of guys with the opposite sex. This causes me to mumble gibberish, break into unseasonal sweat and act in an erratic manner whenever a chance arises for me to talk to a female of roughly my age.

The circumstances dictate me to understand the imminent and move on. In an effort to gather advice regardin the same, i ended up consulting the enormous wealth of experience that people have to share on the web. From some substantial quarters, the tune is that i need to open myself up a bit and be more conducive towards girls so that i dont end up, not knowing what i want from mine and script a recipe for a catastrophe.

Lol....feels surreal that even given my poor show on the academic front, I have actually fallen for 3 girls(um...be accomodating abt the age) in one day......

1) The info of the first girl is confidential but god knows.......at least the 'god of small things' does.........anyways...I was going through the profile of a friend of mine and saw a familiar name yell out. It was a girl about whom he had told me, last fall. Though then, i did feel warmly towards her in not-brotherly kinda way, i didnt give much air to the fire in which my mind was blazing then. Now, its a sense of Deja Vu as i went through her Blog, exactly at a time when i feel that the clock is ticking away to oblivion. She seems a very sweet girl with a good litrerary prowess for someone whos been in gujarat, all life and hasnt matured beyond 18 summers.
A good looking lass from the peninsular India.....watch out for this space.....some thing may yet materialise....

2) Okay. Statuory warning: Ill informed bozos, better keep off this.
Its Aung San Suu Kyi......she is a 40...no 50 something revolutionary leader from myanmar.The face of democracy in the background of a military disposition of her country, she has been under house arrest since nearly 2 decades.I was watchin ndtv and there was this report about nfair charges being pressed against her bang on the eve of history as the country goes to polls after ages, sumtime this year.Her radiant smile inspite of the oppressed existence she has led,her lovely face shrouded by wrinkles but exuding aura and her frail figure, a veteran of tortures that have been inflicted upon her, just stole my heart........
Such selflessness and yet such uncertainty about the future.I love her so..for all that she stands for and the fact that her beauty is a prologue to her effervescence,undying resolve and humility.

3)The ever so politically correct, and an epitome of the fact that u-dont-need-to-bathe-in-a-virgin's-blood-to-stay-young......I am indicating, Shobhaa De...Her articulate language, her ebullient confidence and her age defying outfits are real turn-ons for a mortal like me.
The disparity is stark. Her, an out going senior-citizen socialite and me, a no-gooder who hasnt yet shed the teens, but again the boundaries are a matter of perception.That she is a marathi is yet another credebtial of hers that goes down well with me because i have some unsolicited admiration for marathi women.Her articles and her works of literature are a real pleasure to read and reflect her intellectual accomplishments. lol....never mind her age.....

That was something............
neways.......no offence......i still have some residual space in my mind for an old tenant........but now that the writing is on the wall, i guess its time i coax the tenant out and get hold of myself.........


cheers...

signing off

Nuggets of Karla Saaranen's wisdom

The current woman in my life.....what if she is fictious...
and dear woman, if ever we meet in some other universe, i'll know its you....muaah.....
hope that this figment materialises......

neways......heres what she has to say, in her inmitable style......

1) Truth is a bully , we all pretend to like.
2)In love, your heart is like an overcrowded boat.You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, then your self respect, then your independence, only to realise that notihing will help......it'll take you in......
3)Fanatics have the look of people who never masturbate, but think of it all the time.
4)The real trick in the world is to want nothing and to succeed in gettin it.
5)Wisdom is cleverness, with all guts kicked out.
6)Dream is a place where wish and fear meet. If wish and fear are exactly the same, we call that dream, a nightmare.
7)If fate doesnt make you laugh, then you just dont get the joke.
8)Suffering is happiness, backwards......
9)Some of the worst, was caused by people who tried to change things for the better
10)Mistakes are like bad loves. The more you learn from them, the more you wish, they hadn't happened.
11)the best revenge is like the best sex, performed slowly and with eyes open.
12)Heroes come in 3 types- dead, damaged or dubious.....
13)Luck is what happens to you when fate gets tired of waiting.
14)Old habits die hard, Lie harder......

An inspiration for an insipid me......

The vaccuum of vacations, lumbering on for 3 months was, if only for a week,smothered by this amazing book a came accross......

It made such an engrossing read that the 930 odd pages felt like a breeze....no, a gale...that has demolished my conceptions of our country's greatest metropolis and its most thriving social organism, in such a way that the new light that illuminates my outlook regarding it has compelled me to respect it on previously alien lines.

Yes. I am talking about the international bestseller,the 'fictionised' autobiographical account of Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram.Such a nondescript name for a book by an australian seems incongruous at the start but by the time the book ends, u realize that there couldnt have been a better title.Not because the name shantaram is clinching to the plot but because even in the few pages that it graces, it summarises the authors message.

The early pages are a peep into the underbelly of mumbai and the interactions of the protagonist with the unseeming who were to become his best mates.Theres also a certain Karla Saaranen who with her mature, if cold bearing, striking good looks and a razor intellect detains my mind even now, hours after i have finished the book. My first fictious infatuation, if u call it.

The story weaves around how lindsay(protagonist) thrives in the most grungy of environs with a company like vermin and enjoys it every bit, thence making a connect with the throbbing heart of Mumbai.

Then follows a period when things start going wrong for him and the ebb of his life is threatened by forces that he has provoked quite unknowingly.....

The fighter that he is, comes out on the top, Has a great carreer under the tutelage of the most influential mafiosos in the city and becomes a gangster, a man of honour, albeit.

Struggles ensue, in work and love.He loses his best friends at the very time when his spirits hit an air pocket and plummet.

But he lives on......as a figher,as a survivor and as a.......lover......

he does....i do.....live on....

For the past few days....i've been lost in the thoughts of what will transpire and how i would react to the eventuality as and when it arises.
wikihow and yahoo answers have proved to be a versatile faculty of advice that i so seek in this attempt to take charge of the ongoings.
I try to be blatant and detachedly direct and brutal in my approach to sever the umblical cord with the past but perhaps the wine of my resolve isn't mature enough to intoxicate me, thereby numbing the ensuing pain.
And so, lacking grit, i succumb to the temptations that may one day prove to be my undoing.
Why do i make a complete fool of myself, blabbering 'somethings' that appear so unconsequential after the hour has passed.
I'll hae to devise a slow yet sure mechanism to assuage my innards, ravaged by the premonitions of the inevitable and make sure that when the moment arrives, i manage to enscone my feelings in a clammy shell to shield from the grief and pain, my present self may not be able to endure.
And all this, without a rustle so as to not raise an eye brow as i prepare to jump from the precipice of the expectations that never will materialise into the reassuring vaccuum of the life after crumble of the cookie......
hope i dont.....crumble with it......

Random thoughts

Loads of things lined up. And for some reason, i dont feel upto any of it. Going to Mumbai tomorrow and then on to kerala. The thought of visiting 'gods own country' should have had me jumping with glee but the proposition of leaving ahmedabad, suddenly seems dire.
But then i need to learn to take this inconvenience in my stride..........especially, since in the foresight, and in relative comparison, theres gonna be acres of bleak space that i will be forced to traverse if i dont wake up and take to the reality.........

Will be staying in Taj resorts, every place that we visit in kerala so i am looking forward to being treated to some of the best hospitality that our country has to offer......i have read enough jetwings to know what to expect......

Well, i'll be having my college results as soon as i come back from this sojourn.......
There are a few minor scares regarding the same that need to be resolved but i guess no ones too big a sadist, not even in the wormhole so i am hoping to be let off the hook, cheaply.....
And if it doesnt work out that way, good lord in the heavens, Help me...........

Exactly a week later, by human standards and eons, by mine, the JEE results will be out......the last nail on my coffin, or so i expect..........
and it, i hope will consign me, for the next three years at least, to the confines of the very wormhole , i so detest..........

MINIONS OF SVNIT -

Prashant a.k.a. Panty - Yours truly

Mitesh a.k.a. Mutthu - a guy from my school....at svnit...
the quintessential sindhi and a diabetic.....can be boring as hell....

Himanshu raval a.k.a. Sutli a.k.a. The Palanpur Phenomenon - One very cool guy with oodles of luck....one jugaadu banda who managed to crack aieee without knowin how to integrate.....and manages to get through the college exams in a similar way.......of a short physique, wears gini n jony stuff, not blessed with looks but has a way with gals......my roomie and the kind of guy who will pick the laces off ur Nike snickers to tie up his drwaing sheets without flinching......

Toshi - A good friend of mine......with a name reminscent of some japanese anime....an ace with numbers and a perpetual 'waste bin' for my Pjs.......one of the very few people who by my own admission, come close to being my intellectual equals......'come close'....that has it......

Yash - lol.....my roomie for the next semester......this guy loves talking gibberish.....he has a masters degree at bugging people and getting at their nerves......Has a terrible voice but loves singing, more to blow the fuse off the immediate crowd than anything else......sounds like a sandpaper on gravel......

Jasdeep a.ka. Jassi a.k.a. Surdy - my roomie. Doesnt look like ur normal sardar......a gangly, tall frame and an equally thin voice.......a kickass attitude and a pompous bearing.......

Prem a.k.a Papa - The amiable bully u can always rely on for help.....of any sort.....and i mean ANY.......

Himanshu Vyas a.k.a. Bathinda - A very spiritual guy......the life that he forsees for himself(or so he wants us to believe) are spartan at best........... tries to be self effacive but only superficially so........dont like the look of his designs for some reason......

Prologue - Life in a wormhole

for those who dont get the air of what i mean, this refers to the pseudo-productive months i spent languishing at the Sardar Vallabhbhai National Institute of Technology......

I intend to follow this post up with 10 more and an epilogue chronicling my life that was for the last 12 months......and of the future that offers no hope......

Here's a list of a few words that i expect, will figure frequently in the coming posts.....

SOME QUINTESSENTIAL WORDS IN THE SVNIT LINGO-

FOD DIYA -To ace something you set out to do

FODU- a person who has the habit of acing everything

HUGG DIYA- to crack a particularly pathetic PJ....my forte..
or to miss a simple goalscoring chance....repeat...
in other words perform at a horribly below-par level......

HUGGA MARA - the literal meaning

PARIVAR - a group of individuals who stick together, always........eg. AP parivar
(andhra pradesh..not allpoetry)

MAAL- a passably hot girl....who has assets enough, to satisfy the immediate carnal needs of an average svnitian......

For the more uncensored ones, do contact me...........

Turmoil and more.......

The last few days have been anything but kind on me.........
From harbouring inane hopes of cracking the most demanding of entrance exams to facing the reality at my alma-mater...........things couldnt have gone too awry......
I face my college exams in 3 days, minus any semblance of a preparation. To add to it, the endles submissions that i never manage to make to, the late-semester quizzes where 'inkey-pinkey-ponkey' assumes a 'dilemma dispelling' dimension and the fear of being detained on the grounds of appallingly poor attendance,only pronounce my doubts about my 'past-life' karma........
All this turmoil has resulted in me becoming exponentially more home-sick........
hoping that the impending week is kinder.......

signing out......
au revoir