Am so fuckin sick of myself......
choose a carreer, i chose a fuckin wormhole with filth for faculty and equally arseholish fools under their tutelage,and live under a constant and extenuating knowledge that i will be called one of them......nibbles away my hopes, bit by bit....
choose happiness, i chose sorrow in hope of the former.......the fuckin worm in my head told me that a glimmer of hope to regain back the lost pride still persisted...as things culminate to their logical end, i am left worse than a pauper......and to think that i saw it coming and still like some fuckin loser never managed to appreciate the bitterness of the pain, it wud leave, and instead of trying to obviate it, perhaps ended up accelerating the moment of despair.
choose love, i chose hatred........or at least it seems now.....i did choose love at the begining of the end but my failure to capitalise on whatever oppurtunities that were strewn in my path, leaves me bitter.....full of unquenchend hatred....hell....had i chosen it from the start, i would've have been 'comfortably numb'.....pink floyd sounds are so very prophetic, even in the hindsight....
choose company......i'll settle for solitude....at times when i wonder, why life is so cruelly blatant, at times when i feel a constriction of my being from within, i choose to hang around with no company, save me......the comfort of desolation especially at these testing junctures is truly fulfilling.......hell....i wish everyone wud leave me fuckin alone......
choose your friends....i chose otherwise....why pain them with your grief....why bore them with ur futile lamentations when they havemnt at all chosen wht u have.......at times, i wonder if they even understand me....but what if they dont....who the fuck designates me to expect that from them.....when i myself havent graduated from my nappies, mature enouhgh to gather the pieces, that is my heart......
choose hope....i chose to be bereft of it.....after all the hopes that i had tended in my mind, summed up to nothin fuckin substantial.....as they are reduced to wispy ghosts of the past, the remnant vestiges pain me bad.....had i chosen the latter at the start, the sorrow wudn have assumed such parasitic dimensions leaving me grasping the inane.......and well....a, years a long time......a decade, 10 times over........time to see the writing on the wall and loosen my grip on what i call.......The Hope....
choose a future...damn...i'd pay whatever it takes to bring myself to do that......except for the fact the forseeable expanse ahead of me is as bleak as it gets........time to be detached and cold...time to be true to myself and ignite the foolish vengeance within......even at the cost of others....time to make my life mine.....if it entails breakina few hearts, crushing a feew egos and trampling a few lives......i may be sadist to do that, without any reason........but i don give a fuckin damn...
choose a life.....well......allow me to do that....without an anarchist, somewhere up there pulling the strings amd takin shots at what rightfuly is mine.....wht the fuckin damn is life for when u cannot do what u want to.....they say study and it'll make ur life....but what the fuck if thats not the life i choose.....they say it'll make my parents happy....but wil it make me happy......
i don wanna die at some old loserly fool, having wasted my life, not having done what i wanted.........i want to have a quiet smile on my face for having acomplished what i wanted to and not what was expected of me...........
this world is so fuckin unfair........
and the fuckin point is........that i dont even give a fuck.....
fuckin sad...huh....
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